Who's In Control.

That's not really a question.  It's more of a declaration of understanding.  Let me tell you that for the longest time I thought that with Faith in my heart, I was.  I know now that I am not.  I never was, but that did not stop me from trying to control it all with my planning and worrying and restlessness.  I had this tug inside of me that said, "If you don't wear yourself out trying to fix it, plan it, stay ahead of the next step, you will not get to the next step." But something so heartbreaking happened.  It all went outside of my plan.  And I must admit, I was thrown.  Thrown into an unfamiliar place that I could not come to peace with.  The plan went off road and no matter how much I tried, I could not get it back to where I thought it should be.  It was so frustrating.  I got angry, cried, asked all the questions of God that we do when things don't go "our way."  Then after all the "temper-tantrums" something really profound happened (don't laugh at that word).  I finally realized that I was not in control.  Don't get me wrong, I understand owning your decisions, but the rest of it was not being navigated by me and this scared me.  At first anyway.  I say at first, because after all the dust settled, what was left was a life that is real and full of real love.  I realized that the trials will come and even though they are not worked into my plan, they are part of my growth process with God.  Sort of Him saying, "Trust me, I'll get you through this, just let go."  And I did.....and when I did, the most amazing things started to happen.  My needs were met, my prayers were answered, and when I look at my life I see such beauty.  Don't get me wrong, nothing is perfect.....truly......but it's a blessed life that I could never have planned even if I tried.  It's so much more than I ever expected.  Now, when the world crumbles around me, I still freak a little, but I see it through a different perspective.  At the end of this month my Son Christopher and I will be baptized together.  For him it will be an outward expression of accepting Jesus into his heart.  For me it will be an acceptance of the transferring of control.  Just the acceptance of it, because He is and always was in control.  I know this now.