'A' Game.

I believe in the best of people, I'm just not sure they do.  It's important to keep perspective.  It's hard to know the difference in someone who means well and the one's that carry jealousy, anger, resentment and lash out at anyone standing in the line of fire.  I'm not talking about anyone in particular, so relax:).  I'm just describing a type.  Here's why.  My friends and family are always telling me about the one's that have hurt them and there is a common theme.  Most of the time the hurt could have been avoided if the person shooting off their painful words would just try real communication.  And it would also be nice if they did not take out past experiences on present people.  Anyway, I know this is not an "uplifting blog", but frankly it's happens to your children, youself, your neighbor, your sister....etc...etc...etc.  Maybe we could all use a reminder that when you come face to face with every day humans, you should bring your 'A' Game.  Bring the best of you and leave the rest of it at your door.  Because you are making an impact in this world.

Who's In Control.

That's not really a question.  It's more of a declaration of understanding.  Let me tell you that for the longest time I thought that with Faith in my heart, I was.  I know now that I am not.  I never was, but that did not stop me from trying to control it all with my planning and worrying and restlessness.  I had this tug inside of me that said, "If you don't wear yourself out trying to fix it, plan it, stay ahead of the next step, you will not get to the next step." But something so heartbreaking happened.  It all went outside of my plan.  And I must admit, I was thrown.  Thrown into an unfamiliar place that I could not come to peace with.  The plan went off road and no matter how much I tried, I could not get it back to where I thought it should be.  It was so frustrating.  I got angry, cried, asked all the questions of God that we do when things don't go "our way."  Then after all the "temper-tantrums" something really profound happened (don't laugh at that word).  I finally realized that I was not in control.  Don't get me wrong, I understand owning your decisions, but the rest of it was not being navigated by me and this scared me.  At first anyway.  I say at first, because after all the dust settled, what was left was a life that is real and full of real love.  I realized that the trials will come and even though they are not worked into my plan, they are part of my growth process with God.  Sort of Him saying, "Trust me, I'll get you through this, just let go."  And I did.....and when I did, the most amazing things started to happen.  My needs were met, my prayers were answered, and when I look at my life I see such beauty.  Don't get me wrong, nothing is perfect.....truly......but it's a blessed life that I could never have planned even if I tried.  It's so much more than I ever expected.  Now, when the world crumbles around me, I still freak a little, but I see it through a different perspective.  At the end of this month my Son Christopher and I will be baptized together.  For him it will be an outward expression of accepting Jesus into his heart.  For me it will be an acceptance of the transferring of control.  Just the acceptance of it, because He is and always was in control.  I know this now. 

Because I love you, that's why?

My boys are always asking me why.  And most of the time it is because they cannot get their way.  "Mom, why can't we have McDonalds? Mom, why can't I have candy?  Mom, why do I have to brush my teeth?"  It's frustrating and I am constantly trying to answer these questions that seem second nature to me.  It's interesting though, because when I have struggles in my life, my question to God is always "Why?"  We all want to know.  Why we have to do things we really don't want to, why we have to suffer through the rough part of life.  It's a tough question.  So I answered the other day with the best answer I could come up with that made sense to my little men.....Because I love you, that's why.  And then I sat there in the quiet and realized that as adults, maybe we should accept the same answer from our Creator.  So in understanding, I realize that when I get up and tell the boys to brush and eat healthy, they will ask "Why?"  And some time tomorrow during my prayers so will I.  Somewhere in the silence I will hear, "because I love you, that's why."

*I'm not a professional writer; I just play one on Blogger, so no cracks about my fragments......

Our Story.

Do you ever wonder who your parents were before you?  I do.  I use to ask my mom all the time about her life before I came along.  She tried to appease me with her stories of high school and college and meeting my dad, but I was looking for more.  I wanted the details.  I wanted the mystery and thrill that I knew she, they, must have felt, must have had.  Her stories did not silence my interest.  In my young brain, with my limited understanding, I just couldn't grasp how it all fit together.  I asked all my parents at some time during my childhood about who they were before "the kids".  I say "all my parents" because like many of you (like there are so many people reading this:)) my parents were divorced and remarried.  After the dust settled, I was blessed with three sisters and two additional parents that shaped me into the person I am today.  But I digressed a bit.  My point is that I pulled all the pictures and the overlaps in memories and the here and there recollections of my grandparents and fashioned a story in my mind of how I thought they were, who I thought they were......before me.....well, us.
Here's what I came up with at 32 after years of pondering my parents existence as young adults:  I'm never really going to know.  Why my parents did not stay together?  Why they chose certain paths in their careers?  Which step led to that step.....and on and on?  I just will not ever really understand.  And maybe I'm not supposed to.  Because here is what I DO know. 
My Mom is a gentle soul that tries to heal everyone with her kindness and food.  If you are hurt within, she will be talking you through it while making you chicken noodle soup from scratch.  She has a way of comforting even the most callous of hearts and she wears hers on her sleeve.
My Dad is the constant teacher (he's really a Chaplain), but to me he was a teacher.  He was always explaining everything so that he knew that I knew how things all fit together.  He's also the most reliable person I have EVER met.  If he says he is going to do something, he will walk through fire if necessary to make sure it done.  He has never let me down.  He has an incredible way of making everyone around him feel safe.  He has thought through every scenario and has a plan "in the event of".  When I grow up I plan to be just like him in that way:)
My Step-Dad is a protector.  He always told me that if anyone ever hurt us girls he would hunt them down and make it so that they did not want to be on the planet.  I believe him.  I've seen him hunt.  Don't mess with his family:)  Also....he can fix anything!  ANYTHING.  Be it your broken car or broken heart, he's got it covered. 
And My Step-Mom was......she was simply Fun.  She made everything fun.  I always use to think that if she went out of her way to make every experience so much fun, she must have really loved us.  She was also a kind care-taker in an: if it's not broken walk-it-off sort of way, but if it is, I've got this.  She was frugal and crafty and artistic in every way.  I miss her.  I miss her easy nature.  And I really miss her humor. 
So even though I can't piece together "the way they were."  I know who they are.  I know who they were and are in my life and those around them.  And written down on paper it's a pretty compelling story.  It's kind of magical to me.  All those years of mystery and questions and I finally understand what I did not as a little girl.............that the story that I was really looking for was happening before my eyes.  And it's a good one.  It's our story.

My Mom and My Galley.

When I was growing up,summer was a time to relax and take in the fun.  The kids stayed outdoors until the sun went down, my dad worked , and my worked for a while and then cooked her warm weather meals for the crew.  She had an incredible way or blending filling food with the seasonal foods that we all love and still cherish to this day.  She had her secrets on how to keep it tasting good even in the heat of Texas summers.  I still use her secrets today and as I make the dishes I smile thinking of her telling me to add more of that and less of this. 
There was a moment in my childhood that I realized my mom had become an artist of sorts. We were in the kitchen of my childhood home; a kitchen that by the way would make any chef cringe.  It was a very small galley that has since been expanded.  There she was, preparing and talking me through a recipe that had been handed down to her when she looked at me and said, "if you leave the peas frozen while you make the dish it will thaw just in time to serve the salad while allowing the rest of the salad to stay cold without any further chilling."  She was the most brilliant person I knew at that moment.  She had taken a simple recipe and adapted to her environment.  I realize this seems trivial, but let me tell you........it is not.  Adapting to the your weather, environment, and ingredients available can be a feat to overcome.  It takes real life experience to understand that this adaptation is the work of a chef worth their salt and worthy of using salt :)
So I found myself in my large galley (yes, my kitchen is a galley) making the same recipes she taught me to make over 20 years ago plus a couple more that my sons requested.  I still love to make them all.  It's like second nature.  So much so that I go into a zone.  My mind drifts to a time when I had to stand on a chair to reach the counter tops and my mom saying, "mix this in and leave the peas frozen."

The Vacuum and Void.

Recently we lost our family dog, Macie. It was a heartbreaking experience that left a void in our lives. She was so much a part of our family. I miss so many things about her. She brought love and warmth to our house. All the memories overwhelm me sometimes, there are so many to choose from. The time of day I miss her the most is dinner time. As I made my way to the kitchen, she followed and took her spot on the tile so she could see the whole room as I drifted around. She loved to smell supper cooking and was my personal vacuum when anything dropped. I used to laugh about it; that she was my sweet furry vacuum. So it's so odd now that what is left after she has passed are the memories and a void like a vacuum.

Food Envy.

When Shane and I were first married I learned something about my wildly charasmatic husband that I knew would need to find a resolution.  When we would go out to eat to a restuarant, we would skim the menu and I would order my meal and he would order his.  We would chat over our tea or wine and discuss topics of interest until the food arrived.  The waiter would lay my plate in from of me and his plate in front of him.  It never failed, he would inevitably look at his meal and then look at mine and then look at me like a lost puppy.  So I would forfit most of my meal.  I usually did not like what he ordered, so we split mine.  It went on like this for a short while before one day, I pulled my chair next to his and we skimmed the menu together.  He looked confused at first.  He declared his order and in my mom tone I said No.  So I showed him the two meals we would be ordering much to his protest, but he allowed me to order and as the plates were set in front of us I asked for two additional plates.  He looked at both meals and then me.  His face was a lot like a kid on Christmas morning (ok a little exaggerated, but I'm telling the story here).  It was a wonderful revelation for the both of us. 

Now, we have been married for 10 years, so he is fully capable of ordering what he loves now and he usually orders for me too (he knows me that well).  He has become quite the foodie and schools me on cuisine often, which I pretend to be annoyed about, but secretly enjoy (I mean who is the expert here?).  See folk, my husband had a condition many suffer from....... FOOD ENVY.  It is a treatable condition and there is no reason to be embarrassed about it.  May I also add, however, there is also no reason to steal your partners meal at every outing either. 

This sharing technique is actually a much better way to dine, for us anyway, because we both have the luxury of eating two completely different things.  Shane took me to this Indian restaurant the other day that he said "I just had to try" and he ordered all kinds of things I could not pronounce.  It was amazing.  As I watched him pointing to different sides and main courses that we would both enjoy, I realized something; As we move through our lives together, we have tranformed what was once two single people into a couple that really understands how to enjoy each-other..............minus that pesky food envy :).